


What Kind of Smut Was That

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-15
Updated: 2005-01-15
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:29:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: threesome het/slash humor





	What Kind of Smut Was That

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Summary: An unbeta read burp 

 

 

If the morning could be summarized in a few words, I guess it would be a Gauguin painting, entitled young male beauty in a cheap suit, woman with red hair. It was one of those late winter mornings that were as brightly colored as to come out of an oil paint tube unmixed. Come to think of it, the light was catching red highlights I hadn't noticed before in Alex's hair. 

 

The beauty of my companions was shortly veiled in level three biohazard suits. They gave each other grim looks as they entered the layers of bubble domed containment devices. 

 

Alex's round ass was wiggling under one of the greenhouse benches as he filled an evidence bag with shredded lab coat. Scully stopped her peering at the plant specimens to gander at the plush tush. I always knew she was an ass woman. Hell, she checked mine out the day we met. I could feel those cool blue eyes raking me over behind my back without aid of any supernatural powers. 

 

"There's a bunch of jars under here," Alex said. "What the hell? This one is labeled gay smut and here's one that says het smut. They look like tobacco plants but there's some sort of stuff growing on them." 

 

Scully had booted up the computer and was making scientific noises, the type that sounded like a bad liverwurst sandwich was the problem. 

 

"Good God, Mulder, what were they thinking? They were mad. This project was a CIA plot to overthrow guerilla camps with germ warfare. The code name is Love Potion Number 9. The mutated life forms on the leaves were variants of the mutant plant organism. The intention was to induce a sexual frenzy in the enemy, wiping everything but the thought of sex from their brains. They had two varieties, het smut for inducing male/female relationships and gay smut for same sex relationships. They felt that there was no risk to the lab people as they used male and female researchers in the gay smut area and same gender pairs in the het smut area," Scully said, rapidly flipping through files on the computer. 

 

"There's a big crack in the glass under this table right next to a mostly used tube of lube," Alex announced. 

 

A series of rapid sneezes suggested that the spores were penetrating the bio hazard suit. Either that or Alex had spent too much time with a smoker today. He was allergic to tobacco. 

 

More violent sneezing erupted and with a sudden violent choking sound, the helmet fell off Alex's tousled head. 

 

"No," Scully said, "Krycek, put that back on." 

 

Too late, a rapturous and raptor like smile lit Alex's face. "I've never felt like this before," Alex said. He grinned. "I feel so sexy..." 

 

The grin grew demented. "I'm hot...so hot," Alex said, peeling off his biohazard suit. 

 

I ran over to Alex to subdue him, but with unexpected agility, Alex tripped me and managed to fall beneath me before I hit the floor. Alex's hand whipped off the biohazard helmet and smothered me in a breath-taking kiss. 

 

My head spun for a moment as if I was suddenly drunk. I managed to free myself from my suit. As I cast aside the boots and tore off Alex's suit, I saw Scully creeping for the door. 

 

"Oh, no, Scully, we need you," I said. 

 

"Oh, yeah, Scully," Alex said in a husky, thrilling voice. "Definitely need you." 

 

Like wolves, Alex and I beset her and brought her down, tearing off the helmet. She tried to hold her breath, but I tickled her until she gasped. A moment later, Scully said, "Oh, I think...I think...oh, I want you both." 

 

OooOooO 

 

Hours later.... 

 

Many hours later... 

 

Walter Skinner eyed his agents and said, "No aftereffects?" 

 

"I'm a bit sore," Scully said. 

 

Alex rubbed his ass and said, "But it's a good kind of sore." 

 

Skinner looked as if that was too much information. He said, ""Pendrell said that the smut spores mutated and interbred. The het spores and the gay spores combined into a formula that cause the researchers and later, you to engage in relationships including gay and het relationships. Incidentally, the researchers were found, trying to book flight to Holland or France, believing that three way marriages were permissible in those countries. Fortunately, the customs people believed that the smut samples were pot and confiscated them, arresting the CIA researchers." 

 

"So this case is solved. Will you need psychological counseling to get over today's events?" Skinner asked. 

 

"No, sir, we're fine," Scully said. 

 

"Mighty fine," I mumbled. 

 

"Mmmm, never better," Alex whispered. 

 

"If you're sure?" Skinner said. 

 

"We were thinking of taking tomorrow off and resting," I lied. 

 

"Certainly," Skinner said. 

 

As we walked out the door, I said, "It's going to be good, but it would be better with the spores." 

 

"These little things," Scully said, holding up a small plastic sack. 

 

"Oh, Scully..." I said, "You can wear the red shoes this time for that." 

 

"Hey, I got an entire jar..." Alex said. He held it up just as Kim, Walter's secretary and Agent Pendrell rushed into the building. They bumped him and Alex dropped the jar. The spores blew back into the building. 

 

I turned to see Walter's hand pull Pendrell and Kim into the elevator... 

 

I had a feeling not much work was going to happen in the FBI building that night... 

 

The end


End file.
